This time last year I was in a completely different place. I had just started having the major symptoms that would later to lead to my diagnosis of Antiphospholipid Syndrome and Lupus. To say I was scared, is a vast understatement.
I can pinpoint the day that a lot of this started. You can read about it on my post The Day Life Changed. To summarize what was going on I was having severe dizzy spells, double vision spells, and had started seeing this bright zipping light dart through my vision field. Shortly after this I began having episodes of what later would be diagnosed as transient clots in my eyes. This wouldn’t be for a couple of months though when they clot in my right eye was diagnosed by Dr. B. Around this time I started having severe panic attacks and one of them landed me in the ER. I had developed Splinter Hemorrhages at this time as well, under all of my fingernails. The ER doctor that night dismissed these, and stated that I had PTSD from my miscarriage. He referred me to a PCP and sent me on my way after giving me a Hefty dose of Ativan and a prescription of Xanax.. This PCP also dismissed the splinter hemorrhages so I sought out my childhood PCP and it was he who, essentially saved my life this past year for the second time since I have known him. He took one look at them and knew we were looking at a clotting disorder. I owe Dr. D A Lifetime of Gratitude.
A lot has changed since this time last year. I returned to the care of Dr. D’s for a few months, now I’m no longer a patient of Dr. D’s. See he was 1.5 hours away, which was problematic due to the frequent visits, but more so my insurance that I finally got said I could no longer see him as a PCP. That is how I ended up with Dr. C as a doctor. I’m also pretty thankful for all he has done for me as well. I feel safer, more confident and he helped me build a wonderful team of specialists. That’s just the doctors. I was also diagnosed with APS and Lupus.
I feel a lot closer to my old self. The fatigue, debilitating joint pain, severe dizziness, and constant flu-like feeling I felt last Autumn-first part of Summer has started lifting. I can’t say I feel 100% but I was able to report to Dr. L at my last appointment that I think the Plaquenil and Imuran are working despite the flare I had in June. I just think we need to give Imuran a few more months to reach full impact. Life will still be full of doctor visits, medications, flares, and symptoms, but I think we are heading toward a more sense of normalcy. The simplest day-to-day tasks and being able to complete for my family, brings me so much pleasure.
I feel rather accomplished when I can look back and say, I’ve managed to cook dinner the majority of the week for my household. The small things add up to big accomplishments, my grandpa always told me this when I was younger and it’s something I’ve always believed and carried through my adulthood.
Mentally/Emotionally, I’m in a better place. I still have panic attacks over having to return to the ER or hospital. Truth is they were not beneficial to me in the beginning. Even the night I presented with classic TIA symptoms, they sent me home with an Unspecified headache. It was later that week I was diagnosed with the Branch Retinal Vein Occlusion in my right eye and told I had permanent partial vision loss in that eye. Their fancy test had said I did not have active clots in my system. I guess it wasn’t sensitive enough to pick up microclots.I never want to go back to that hospital again.
Logically, I know should I have to go to the hospital, I have a better shot at adequate treatment now. Between my highly respected specialists, my PCP, and my medical records that are full of notes from everyone, my diagnosis, and how the hospital system that I am more likely to end up at, I know the outcome would likely be better this time around. I also know there is a plan in place should something happen. It doesn’t stop the fear, fear is an automatic response. I’m still trying to train my brain to process the fear better, to shorten the panic attacks, and to utilize CBT more effectively when they hit.
Therapy has done wonders. At my last session we talked about my fears that were based one what happened last year. We started getting to the root of them. Some of the fears are based on the unknown, and uncertainty, and a lot of that has been answered now, I remind myself of that now, and slowly I will release myself of those fears. The fear of the ERs, that will take time to work through. I think that fear deserve a post all of its own.
I feel confident that I’m headed in the right direction. I couldn’t even form words to express my fears this time last year. All I could do is cry. I really thought I was in the process of telling my loved ones goodbye, and that is a fear that will take me a long time to overcome. I’ll get there. I’ve learned a lot about myself through this process already, and I look forward to the lessons I still have to learn. I also look forward to see where I am at in this process in 6 months, and a year from now.
Triumphant Wings 