It’s amazing how much time can change things. The leaves on the trees are dark green again. A few of them are starting to turn brown at the edges. The grass is darker green this time of year. The birds are busily gathering seeds and eating out of the feeders I have out for them. It’s hot, the kind of heat that makes you sweat just sitting still. It’s August, in North Carolina. This is our hottest part of our summers August and September. A few more weeks and Autumn will be here.
It’s a time of reflection for me, I’m noticing things this time of the year, that I simply didn’t have the mental capacity to do so last year. It’s nice, but at the same time it makes me sad that I missed out on it last go round. It’s not something I’m going to dwell on, but it is part of the grieving process. I’ve been down this last week. Mainly because I’m teetering on yet another flare, and it couldn’t come at a worse time, well I’m sure it could, but seriously the timing for this one is bad. Saturday is our wedding anniversary. We have plans and I don’t want to be the reason they are put off, or that we have to change them. My INR has been low for two readings in a row and I’m due back Friday for another check. So as I sit here and watch the little grey Titmouse ferry seeds from the feeder to a tree branch nearby to eat later, I’m taken back to last year.
It’s hard not to think back to the earlier days of my illness. It’s hard not to get lost in the fear, the unknown, and before I know it, I’m crying again. Before I know it, I’m a raw ball of emotions. That’s one of the things I find a lot of people do not talk about when it comes to Chronic Illnesses, the emotional toll it takes.
I learned a lot this past year. I learned a lot about the health care system, insurance companies, and pharmaceutical companies. Most of all, I learned a lot about myself and my emotions. In the earlier days, it was pure fear. Now I deal with a lot of anxiety and depression that is left over from the initial fears.
I do not deal well with the unknown. Put me in completely uncharted waters, and I freak out pretty bad. If this makes me a bit of a control freak, so be it. I like to have a little control in my life. This whole being diagnosed with two chronic illnesses thing, has left me feeling powerless, helpless, and at times out of control of my own being.
I did not become an adult that knows how to ask for emotional support. So if I call you and just break down crying, or I start blubbering, or talking really fast, that is my attempt at saying, Please I need you right now. Or if you look over, and I’m just crying silently in the car, it’s because I feel safe being with you. I’m much better at being there for people, than being the person that needs someone. This even affects my relationship with my healthcare providers. I often catch myself feeling guilty over needing to see them so often, or having to call them to ask them questions. Or heaven forbid they need to step in for an impromptu appointment, or call one of my other doctors for a consult, my guilt factor goes through the roof then. I’m constantly having to remind myself that it’s their job, and that I need to let them, do their job. I really suck at being this ‘sick’ person.
I never realized it was possible to grieve for yourself, until I started the process of well self-grieving. It’s not like grieving a person that has passed away. It comes and goes. It hits at the most random moments, and sometimes it’s more paralyzing than anything I’ve ever experienced. Some days I’m okay with this new life I have no choice but to live. Other days, like this past week when I’m having the extra doctor appointments due to my INR being too low and being on flare alert, I’m reminded that my life is never going to be normal again. It’s almost like leading two lives at times. There’s still enough of the old me left that at times things are still the same. Then there are weeks like these where I can’t help but face the music. There’s no timeline on how long a person grieves themselves when they become ill. There’s no one telling me how long it will take before the heartbreak of these weeks to wear off. I just have to keep moving through them. So that’s what I do. Because I know now, that these weeks do end. The good weeks do come. Yes, unfortunately there are more bad weeks ahead, but I can’t focus on those. It is my choice what to do with my energy and I choose to focus on the good weeks.
So While I’m sitting, taking a moment to watch the birds busily go about their day around me and remembering, I’m also reminding myself to look forward. Always find a way to look forward.