by: Nicole Davis

Back before the war,

when life was full of so much more,

before the attacks began that left her lying low,

prior to the red upon her cheeks began to glow

Do you remember her?

Back before the pain became too much,

when life offered a plethora of common touch,

before the tears were cried and the pills were taken,

prior to the beasts within beginning to awaken.

Did you see her leave?

Back before all the tests and results,

when life was pleasantly void of insults,

before appointments became routine,

prior to learning what these medical terms mean.

Is she still in there?

Back before the long list of medications,

when life was full of holistic remedies and meditations,

before being labeled as chronically ill,

prior to the first medical bill.

Will she make it through the battles?

Back before this new life began,

when life was a journey and there was a travel plan,

before things turned upside down, and the way was lost,

prior to my immune system getting confused and crossed.

Will she remember me?



Ring of Fire!

I’m not one to shy away from spicy food, not even my chronic illnesses will change that! I love heat, when done right. Call it my little piece of rebellion, my little corner of culinary masochism. I am a cook, I can create some amazingly tasty dishes. I also know my way around spicy foods. Not everyone shares my love for the burn. So I have over the years adjusted my desires to fit within limits. Occasionally we will be out for a meal and I will indulge in a dish that is above the comfort levels just so I can feel the warmth of the spicy burn as it engulfs my taste buds.

Spicy food really isn’t a form of self-torture for me. I truly do enjoy it, when it is done right. Throwing hot stuff in a dish just to call it HOT does not deem it a Spicy dish done right. Spice is meant to augment the flavors within the dish not to be the flavor. It should compliment the dish, not overwhelm it. This makes me want Thai food, it is one of my favorite ways to consume the heat, and one of the best ways to achieve the Ring of Fire!

Where My Demons Hide

This song has special meaning to me. I can’t get it out of my head. Around the time I started hearing it excessively on the radio, was the time my body started failing me. It will forever be a reminder of when my body started showing me signs of having Antiphospholipid Syndrome. and Lupus.

I know my family and friends have probably heard me talk about APS and Lupus under they are tired of it, and unfortunately they do not always hide this fact very well. I admit it, I’m obsessed. I can’t stop thinking about the illnesses. I can’t stop researching, learning, and considering how their existence in my life will impact my future, my husband’s future, my mom’s future, my best friend’s future, everyone’s future. There’s a whole lot that they have already changed and they have only been a part of my life for a few short months.

I’m at Dr. C’s (my PCP’s office) at least once a week for my weekly PT/INR check to see how well my Warfarin is doing at anticoagulating my blood.

(And the blood’s run stale) That line of the song always makes me skip a breath. Because in a lot of ways, due to APS, that’s exactly what my blood does, due to the antibodies, it thickens and it runs slower through my veins, and therefore increases my risk of clotting, it is stale. 

I do consider my illnesses, Demons of sorts, Demons I will live with for the rest of my lives, They have symptoms, I will learn to live with, they also have anxieties they cause, and because of being chronic illnesses, they have made me have to think about a lot of things normal 30-year-old women don’t have to think about, obsessively.

The Words Won’t Write Themselves

Had you met me when I was a curly-haired little 5-year-old and asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up, I would’ve simply answered: I will be a famous writer. This remained a dream of mine throughout my childhood, through my awkward years as a teenager. I saw my way through my twenties still saying, someday I WILL be a WRITER!!!! Here I sit at 30, wondering how I’m going to achieve this goal of being a famous writer and I finally realized where I was coming up short. The words won’t write themselves.

You Make Me Smile

It’s one of those morning, it is gloomy out, my spirits are low, I feel Blah. I know it is a combination of the weather, the news of my friend’s death yesterday and more processing of my illnesses setting in. So I’ll spend the day trying to cheer myself up. I will try to acquire dark chocolate today. Yes it IS cliché, yes I AM a woman, and yes sometimes I drowned my sorrows with chocolate. Not just any chocolate, but good quality, dark chocolate. The kind that melts away the gloom as it coats your mouth with it’s richness. The kind that you feel instantly better as you consume it’s decadence. I won’t overindulged. I can’t, but today, I think I deserve a treat. The weather is nasty, my heart is heavy, life is sucky, and I think dark chocolate is in order.

Don’t these Ganache Bars Look scrumptious?

dark chocolate cherry ganache bars 10 1024x1024 dark chocolate cherry ganache bars

I found the recipe for them on this Lady’s Blog. I will have to make these sometime. I’m not sure if today will be that day, but someday I will make these.

Today though I may have to settle for just a dark chocolate candy bar, that I will share with my best friend Doug, while we are out running errands, in the rain and storms.

These are what made me smile today: