MaybeToday…. Maybe Tomorrow

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It has been a really long time since I wrote in my blog. I know my last blog I broke up with my ex husband. Then everything I moved back to my home town, my mom, grandpa (eventually I will post my PawpPaw passed away 01/31/17 it will be a blog at some point in honor for him) my grandma and families. There was so much love happening. Then something happened there was a love at first sight to me, it was a friend of mine that was started to date me and we were good. We were been to over a year, and he was proposed to me later on. I’m leaving a lot of this stuff off because It has been so long before my time I do apologize. This man was my soulmate, my best friend, he said both of these things for me. my loves. I had both careers.

Then I had an amazing promotion it was awesome. it was around May. I was so proud of myself. it was great.

June 9, 2017 around 6:24pm I was at work. all of a sudden I couldn’t move my right arm. Then I passed out. There was the 1st responder then my emt. My ambulance was to the  hospital. My fiance was right there at the Er. Then my CT scan said no stroke showed.

That Saturday the hospital MRI finally said a stroke and i was carted off to critical care. Finally until Monday evening and I got to go home.

I was also showed with a massive flare with my Lupus, and a lot of doctors, neurologist. I’m crying and sobbing. Scared and afraid I’m about to die. I kept Telling my fiance please don’t leave me. I was so scared.

I was angry, trying to calm down, depressed, anxious with everything.

My Pt and my Speech therapist saw me and eventually started doing great. and was doing awesome. That I could start driving again.

On 7/7 my fiance he needed to take a break, because of a lot that i was saying, needed to talk things I was trying to say, that I didn’t was saying  he was talking, and that I had not tried because before it was stuff that I had already getting hurt about some of the stuff folks picking at me, and arguing with me or saying that they are them, I’m being vague and trying not to be too public, However, I am honest, I am able to speak about my self and my blogs again that it is time to start my blogs, They were also being hurtful than folks were not able for me to do those things for me at this time. It is time for me to do my things again.

That Saturday after taking a break for a few days, all of a sudden I was said due to his sibling, that I was broken up with him, and that he doesn’t love me.

At this time I was devastated, i still am.

I will always love him

I can’t get my stuff. I twill be sometime.

I miss everyone, I miss my babies especially he has the grand-kids.

On Friday 7/24 I had a doctor, that doctor was a dud, they never sent my medications, not my depression, not my anxiety for my pharmacy, nor my sleeping pill. I am out for that depression since  yesterday. As for my sleeping pills I have tried and tried to my ex I needed it, but  there is no one help for it, there is nothing I can do for it. I’m just getting by it.  Eventually I am going to be okay,

Then on that Friday I also wrecked my car and my mom. We were okay, but that car is totaled. Eventually I will have to get another car.

Right now with my work I am on a short term disability hopefully my PT and the speech therapy will tell me this week I can go to work, I am really hoping with a car and now I can go to work.

My mom is my rock, I talk about to her about everything, I cry and sob, I’m go. Sometimes I get really angry about all of the things and I can’t get all of my stuff that the ex is supposed give my stuff.

Sometimes I get really pissed off at the times where they have hurt me, How are you supposed to support for someone like this? when they need they need everything? when you are getting to be married, and you are you are already at the point where you already at the for better and for worse , for thick and thin, He just shut down. He started just get angry at me even before I was doing it, pick at me pick at me, and I didn’t go to the very things I already did before I sent an email to him that I was crying and sobbing to him, and I was praying to god, This is going to be okay, this is going to be work out. That was before I was falling part. I already he was going to leave me, I felt in my heart it was going to happen, Even with what he was hurting how he was saying, and that I was arguing that he was doing as well, I knew he was going to leave. I don’t know if he was scared, I don’t know if he was concerned and just didn’t know what to say with everything. Most of the time I just wanted to be with him, hold his arms while I was falling apart, and kept trying to talk to him, I just knew he was going to leave me.

Then One a couple days after I’ve attempted of trying to say a few times I tried to say if we could try work things out, All he said, it was though hearing someone rolling their eyes, or sighing or just a numbing word, I heard him say  ‘ohhhh I just don’t know right now’ or something like that, that expression for about a second felt my lungs hand knocked me out from my chest. I was numb, Then I realized That I have to Let him go,

To my friends, my family and everyone that I love They have been so supportive. I am so thankful and grateful. Especially for sending my prayers, and for as much I am praying as well.

I know it is going to take some healing, It will take some time with the broken heart, and everything. I’m going to start writing again, I have missed my blog and this is a good thing it always was for years, and definitely now that I need this right now.

Today I was with my of my great friends, we had some breakfasts, and I was able to talk a lot of the stuff I needed to vent.

So today is may not everything good for me with my ups and downs, but, I’m mostly okay today.  Let’s see what tomorrow will be.

32 Things

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Yesterday was my 32nd Birthday. In honor of it I’m going to give you  32 random facts about myself.

  1. My favorite color changes ever so often. I almost always have two at the same time. Currently Purple and Teal.
  2. Autumn and Spring are my two favorite seasons, with Autumn winning the top spot.
  3. I drink way too much coffee these days. Yep, I may have a Keurig addiction folks.
  4. I make some of the best  pork carnitas you’d ever eat, seriously better than most of the restaurants in our area.
  5. I have trust issues that started before I could begin forming memories.
  6. I know more than I say, and often people think I’m not paying attention because I don’t say a lot or engage in a situation that I feel is wiser to stay out of.
  7. Up until this year I was a Pumpkin everything person. Last fall, my taste buds informed me that pumpkin spice is no longer the preferred fall flavor, or maybe its a phase, we will see this coming fall.
  8. People tend to tell me the most random things, especially strangers who approach me at coffee houses.
  9. I seem to have entered the year of reconnecting with people from my past.
  10. I had to take a step back to realize I wasn’t alone.
  11. I have 4 tattoos and plan on getting several more. All with meanings.
  12. I find the calm before storms, and the calm snow provides to be utterly breathtaking experiences.
  13. I grew up in the country, then moved to the city. Now I want to find something in between.
  14. I carry a knife that matches the knife my Pawpaw carries.
  15. In case you didn’t get it from the fact above, I’m a Pawpaw’s girl, even at the age of 32.
  16. I’m a cat person who wanted a pug and ended up with an amazing 100+ lb Alaskan Malamute and our roommate/best friend’s 100ish lb dog as household members. I’m sure we can fit a couple more cats and a pug in here somewhere.
  17. I had a hedgehog until he died a few weeks ago. He was an old man by hedgehog standards. RIP Max.
  18. I grew up camping and fishing. I miss those days.
  19. I tend to binge watch tv shows on Netflix due to both my schedule and my patience level.
  20. I cuss a lot. I use all the bad words. I’ve actually made someone cringe because of this.
  21. I can start a fire like it’s my job. One for warmth, I’m not a Pyromaniac. Though there was that one time I caused a small forest fire with a flaming marshmallow. Oops.
  22. I love intense dark chocolate. The darker the better.
  23. I listen to a lot of Folk/Indie/Americana music.
  24. Growing up I thought one of my friend’s Dad hated me. Turns out it was a case of tough love.
  25. I attended a girl scout camp that was overrun by frogs, big frogs, tiny frogs. Frogs everywhere!!
  26. I met my husband online…before it was a cool thing to do. We’ve been together for 12years, married for almost 6.5 years.
  27. I’m a Certified Reflexologist, which is an alternative medicine modality  I have been around since I was a child.
  28.  I prefer the mountains to the beach.
  29. I am not a morning person, and morning people that can pop awake and have in depth conversations frustrate and confuse me. (My husband is one of those types).
  30. I didn’t start feeling like an actual adult until I hit my 30s. My 20s were more confusing than my teenage years, I refer to them as my second adolescence often.
  31. I’m bisexual, and find it rather hilarious when folks assume since I married a man that I am no longer attracted to the ladies. I usually just stare at them in silence and blink until they change the subject. Awkward!
  32. When I don’t know something about a topic that comes up, I tend to put it on a list of “things to be researched”. I’m a knowledge sponge and love learning. However, this has been known to annoy others around me. People are strange, me included.

Faithless? No, Just Jaded

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Some time ago, when I was but a young girl, I lost my faith in God, humanity (most of it anyways), and in this world every surviving.  I learned as a little girl big churches are full of deceit, hypocrites, liars, cheaters, people pretending to be something they are not to save face among neighbors. This was not a religion nor community I wanted to be a part of. I stopped attending church as soon as the decision was mine to make. Before you think I need to be saved in this regard, I am not lost, I am solid in my core believes. I have maintained my own Spiritual concepts since then that I based my faith, and moral code in. These are the things that help shape me into the person I want to be.

Some time not too long ago I lost faith in myself. I was shaken to the core by a couple of medical diagnoses, and that triggered a process in which I felt like I lost myself. Actually more like I felt as though the old me died and I was being forced into being this new version of myself that I didn’t ask to be. I lost faith in my ability to adapt, in my ability to survive, in my ability to live under this new circumstance and expectations. Slowly I have been working through these complications. Someday my faith in myself will be as strong as it was before I got sick.

You see while I may not have the typical faith when it comes to religion, and at the moment my faith in myself is a little shaky, I’m not faithless, just a little jaded.

 

 

Post inspired by WP Daily Prompt: Un/Faithful

Endless Cycle…

Several weeks ago a couple things happened. I already mentioned I changed my anti-anxiety medication and my sleep medication. The update to this happening is that anxiety wise, for the most part I am in a much better place than I was while I was on Mirtazapine. Side benefit I have also lost 17.2 lbs since I changed to Venlafaxine and Trazodone. Granted most of the time I don’t have an appetite due Venlafaxine and the fact that I am also on Topiramate and my appetite is suppressed. This loss of 17.2 lbs has given me a total loss of my high weight at the time of getting sick back in May 0f 2013 so far to 35.2lbs. Still a ways to go before I want to check in with my doctor and get his advice on if I still need to lose a little more of if I’ve made it to where we are both happy with my weight. But at least I am finally making progress in the weight loss department. My suspicion that Mirtazapine was causing me to stall turned out to be right.

The second thing that happened shortly after the switch and the weight loss began was the pharmacy I use switched manufacturers of the Warfarin I had been getting. Apparently the old pills they were giving me were sugar pills because suddenly my INR started coming back high. My monthly INR checks were a thing of the past. I started going weekly again while we struggled to get my INR down. Finally we started making progress. Infact if you consider my weekly total dose prior to this happening was 110 mg and now my weekly dose is 92.5mg, you can see we significantly had to decrease my dose of Warfarin to get my INR to start staying in range again.

Meanwhile, I managed to develop bursitis in my shoulder, this is a story for a posting all on it’s own. I also developed a horrible tension headache/migraine which led me to getting a trigger point shot, that turned out to be way more exciting that necessary due to my body just being a barrel of laughs and having to always do something random to keep everyone on their toes (also deserving of it’s own post).

Currently I am battling a lupus flare, enduring another round of prednisone, a flare up of the trochanteric bursitis in my right hip which was doing amazingly well after my Rheumatologist did another injection at my appointment last week, until I did a silly thing. I actually thought I could get off the toilet like a normal person over the weekend after a trip to relieve myself. “No, No! We will have none of that missy!” said my hip. So I’ve been icing it, taking my meds like a good patient, and laughing at myself and the fact that I have managed to afflict myself with a toilet related injury (re-injure?) This type of stuff isn’t suppose to happen until you are much older right? Guess it’s time for safety rails, and grab bars!

Prednisone, ah yes my old friend. The magical drug that helps me get through flare symptoms, usually stops all the pain I’m having in it’s tracks and at the same time has the ability to send my emotional state of being bouncing all over the place. A few days into this taper I managed to become very upset by an email my Rheumy sent me. So I emailed him back. It was long, it included every issue I have ever had with any of our appointments, how things are being handled, and what I thought needed to be done. Once I get started I don’t usually stop when I’m in that frame of mind. After hitting send, I will say I had that instant ‘Oh crap, guess I’ll be finding a new Rheumatologist.’ Luckily we exchanged several emails, and I THINK, maybe this might have gotten us closer to being able to communicate and being on the same page. I follow up with one of their midline providers in Jan, and then see him again in March. I guess we will see between those two appointments how things go.

I get my INR checked Tuesday, and we will see see how high my inr has become during this course of Prednisone and with the extra meds I have had to take to deal with the pain.

Emotionally there is a lot on my plate, we are approaching the anniversary of my dad’s passing, holidays are generally rough all around for a variety of reasons. I’m doing a lot of thinking and processing right now. A lot of this needs dedicated posts to of their own.

Work has been great, and probably the most stress free area of my life. My client list is growing and working with my coworkers continues to be overall a positive experience that makes work enjoyable and not so much like work afterall.

So that’s what I’ve been up to since my last post. My apologies for not being around and posting like I had wanted to, but as you can see, life had some other plans for me. More posts with details soon. This time I promise.

 

Just book it, we will figure it out later

Here we are in March already. Time is flying and I blinked somewhere back in January and lost an entire month. The good news is, I didn’t lose an entire month to Lupus. Nope this time I lost it to normal life! I lost it to my studies of Reflexology, to being productive and just busy.

Things are going reasonably well for me right now. I’m about halfway through my certification program and I should be at a point of accepting clients by June. I’m rather excited about this. I would be lying if I tried to say I didn’t have some anxiety about how my body is going to hold up when I start working again. I will be in a supportive office with other amazing therapists and I know it will be an amazing experience though.

I was first introduced to Reflexology as a teenager by my aunt, who passed away from Autoimmune Hepatitis, so I feel rather passionate about my connection to this modality. In a way it is a way for me to keep her memory alive and honor her. I remember many a conversation with her about various reflex points and how they could benefit me. Especially the ones for migraines and nausea, as I have suffered from migraines since I was 11. As you can imagine my studies are bringing back some wonderful memories.

As far as health wise I had a small flare in my symptoms at the beginning March due to the bipolar weather we have here in North Carolina. The hot the cold, hot the cold weather pattern cause me a lot of pain in my joints and a few days of a continuous migraine. Luckily I was able to skip the round of Prednisone this time and just take a shot of Toradol and Phenergan to knock it down enough to get through. My INR has been amazing stable though, and in range. We’ve spaced my check to every 3 weeks now. That means on average I’m only going in 1-2 times a month now for those checks. It has been amazing, and such a change than every 2 weeks. I’ll enjoy this while it lasts!

Therapy is going well. She keeps reminding me I’m doing extremely well and that I can space my appointments out to 3-4 weeks but I honestly think keeping them at every two weeks is what is keeping me in the space that I am emotionally/mentally. Knowing I have that outlet, and safe space where I can go and get it all out every couple of weeks. So for now I’m going to continue seeing her every two weeks. It’s working, it’s not broken, why try to fix it.

Life is overall good. Busy, and never seems to slow down but good. I still have to take momentary pauses though when my body reminds me to. That’s something I’m not sure I’ll ever get use to. The days where I’m tired for no reason other than it’s just a brain fog, fatigue ridden lupus day. My time out days. I’m learning to use those for constructive things though. For now I use them for studying and catching up on small tasks. I’m not sure how I’ll handle them once I start seeing clients. But as the running joke at the office goes “Just book it, we will figure it out later.”

40 Days

Wow, I guess when you are keeping track of the days a picture at the time, you start to realize how quickly the year passes. 40 days doesn’t seem like a lot at first, until you think that in 40 more days we will be at the 80 day mark, then it quickly shows you how fast the year will be just be another memory. I was so busy these last 20 days that I really didn’t have a chance to sit down and do my 21-30 day most so I figured I would just combine that most and the 31-40 day post into one larger post. So here are Days 21-40 of my Project 365 page. Remember if you want to follow along with my daily posts you can follow me on Instagram. I also have a page dedicated to my 365 Days Project.

I kicked off the last 20 days by celebrating my 31st birthday. I was happy to be in a much better place mentally than I was on my 30th birthday. I spent the day with people who are important to me. I was surrounded with love, texts, and phone calls. It was a wonderful day. I couldn’t think of any way I would have rather of spent my birthday.

The biggest news from the last 20 days has been the beginning of the certification program for Reflexology. I know I’ve mentioned it in a lot of my posts, and I probably will for a while, but hey, when you are passionate about something you tend to talk about it a lot.

I also saw my Rheumatologist, who I see every 3-4 months and it was a great appointment. I’m fairly stable right now, and while I require routine testing and follow ups with him.

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Daily Gratitudes Week 5

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Just like that a week has flown by. January has closed, and February is off with a speedy start for us. I began a certification program for Reflexology. I should finish in May and begin taking clients in June. That is the most exciting news this week! It was a rather fast paced week and I swear I just blinked and the week flew by.

 

January 29- Feb 5, 2015

 

1-29:Hot showers. Good talks with friends, even if they are by text. Laughter at the office. The convenience of laying out my medications for a week at a time, and not having to open every single pill bottle everyday, because that would suck a lot. Evernote. Acceptance. 

1-30:Cheese. Coffee. Laughter and good conversation. Accountability. Stars on a crisp cold night. The feeling of accomplishment.

1-31:The hilarious moments in life brought to us by my being on Mirtazapine (a sedative/anxiety medication) and having to get up earlier than originally planned….It caused my quote of the day… “I just need pants.” QT Donuts and coffee. Busy Days go really quick. I’m finished with my first week of homework for Reflexology. Now I’m going to reread my resources I was given this week to make sure I have everything covered. British Comedies. Relaxing evenings. 

2-1: I received week 2 of my Reflexology course a day early! There is a lot of material to cover this week so I’m grateful for the extra day. This morning afforded me the luxury of lingering in bed until 8ish. My gratitude posts and the chance they give me each day to look back through my day for moments to be thankful for, even if they are small, and I have to work to find them, I can usually find something to be thankful for. Amusing Super Bowl Commercials. Seriously most of the time it’s the only reason I watch the game. Plans to see a friend tomorrow to catch up.

2-2:catching up with a friend over coffee, laughter, cherry limeade, a pharmacist that is on top of things….yep you guessed it Azathioprine/Imuran is still in short supply. I don’t run out for two more weeks but my pharmacist called this evening to give me the heads up that there may be another issue getting it this month. Sighs. Staying hopeful it will come in before I actually run out. Bedtime is getting close, I’m experiencing a caffeine crash and need sleep quick.

2-3:Days you can slowly ease into. Good therapy this morning. I’m about 90% finished with my homework for the week! I still have to review week 1 and finish reading this week’s resources but I’m mostly done with the actual homework portion. Woohoo!

2-4:Good Customer Services. Folks that remember your name and order upon sight. A more relaxed day, even if it was still busy. I got to speak with my mom via Skype briefly this afternoon. I’m having a rather low energy day so kept it a short convo. Caught up with a couple of friends via phone/text. Homework and reading is finished for the week. Now just reviewing the first two weeks and writing down questions for when I speak with my instructor at the end of Month 1. 

2-5: Azathioprine (My immunosuppressant) came in so I am back with all of my prescriptions at one pharmacy! Amusing convos with the pharmacy tech. Getting a couple of things down before heading to Concord. Thankful for Doug and Mellow and all they do and the continued emotional support they offer. Cherry Pepper Relish. My odd sense of humor, and the ability to laugh through the rough patches. Even more appreciative of those that get my sense of humor and laugh along with me. 

 This week I’d have to say the focus of my thoughts has been on how powerful the reframing ability of this daily exercise is for me. My 8:30 appointment to rethink about my day with only gratitude for the events allows me to end my day a positive note. It doesn’t take away the all of the bad that can happen in a day, but it does show me all the good that hang out even in the bad. I’ve learned to appreciate even the bad moments give us a chance to learn something. (Previous Daily Gratitude Week 4,  Week 3Week 2,Week 1)
What do you all have to be thankful for this week?