The Day Life Changed

#work #wemakesigns #vinylgraphics

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I stood in this spot, 9 months ago. I was there with Doug, we were installing vinyl graphics on the window. These vinyl graphics to be exact:

As I stood and watched as he masterfully applied the graphics to the window, I was struck with dizziness, at the time I thought it was low blood sugar. Later I would realize it was the my body alerting me that there was something going wrong. It was a late July day. It was hot, humid and it was not even noon yet. I remember telling Doug and the lady we were doing the graphics for that I needed to sit down. After a few minutes the dizziness passed and I felt better. We finished what we were there to do and then went and ate lunch. We came home and Doug got ready to go to the place he works for massage. After he left one of our friends called and asked if I wanted to take a day trip the next day to my hometown to show her and her kids around and to see my family. I told her I’d love to. I didn’t mention anything that had happened because at the time I thought it was an acute issue. I phoned my mom after that and told her of our plans to visit. While I was on the phone with her I was hit with a double vision spell, this was the first of what has turned out to be many of these spells. Looking back I wish I would’ve gone to the doctor then. Though honestly I am not sure it would’ve made a difference, I went a few weeks later, with the same symptoms, and it still got me to the same diagnoses of Antiphospholipid Syndrome and later Lupus.

July 23, 2013, that is forever the day my life changed. Since that day I have felt like I was picked up and sat down into some random person’s life. It is almost like being dropped into a foreign land and expected to survive. I’ve had to learn a new language, medication names, medical terms, abbreviations. (R means Thursday folks! I learned that this week). 9 months, granted this journey started with my miscarriage, but I didn’t realize it, but I know thinking back I was aware 9 months ago something was wrong. 9 months I’ve known something was wrong. I often catch myself thinking, this is not me, this isn’t happening. I know it is, I know it is real, but there are moments, I really wish I would wake up and things would be back to the old normal, that life would be simple again. I will endure and I will get through the tough parts of this. I can remember early on my old PCP asking me if I was depressed, I think at that time I was still too scared to be depressed, and now I’m honestly not sure if I know the answer to that question or not. If I read the clinical symptoms of depression, then yes I am depressed, but it’s much more than that isn’t it? I’m still waiting on the Therapists to call me that my PCP has referred me to. I look forward to talking to them. One of my personal goals is to be able to come off of Mirtazapine at some point, which I am actually on for anxiety and insomnia but it is an antidepressant. I haven’t set a time frame for this, nor have I even mentioned it to my doctor. For now it is beneficial, it helps me sleep at night, it keeps the majority of the anxiety at bay, and it doesn’t leave me feeling like an emotionless zombie. Though I admit there are days I wish that were the case.

I’m going to end this because as I expected this has rendered me in tears. I still can’t talk about the first part of my journey without crying. It’s all part of processing it. If you are still reading thank you for letting me share my story with you.

 

I leave you with a peaceful picture and the namesake of my hometown. This is one of the places I took my friend and her two boys. I really thought that day may be the last time I would see this place. It was so beautiful. I’ve been back by a handful of times these last few months and each time I go I snap a new picture.:

Moravian Falls #falls #northcarolina #whereigrewup #waterfalls

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8 thoughts on “The Day Life Changed

  1. Yeah. I have a day like that too. I was sitting in my home office. Suddenly I went numb and had chest pain. It was 2 weeks after my wedding day. I was rushed to the hospital fearing I was having a heart attack. It turned out to be severe angina. That was the just the beginning of a sudden crash where my lungs filled with lesions, my thyroid collasped, I was thrown into early menopause, etc etc. I was so swollen I gained 50 pounds in one year. It still took 4 years for the diagnosis of lupus. I will never forget that day. I was never the same again.

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    1. That sounds like a rather terrifying experience. It seems that a lot of us folks with Chronic Illnesses, can pinpoint a day, when things just changed. It is a rather odd feeling, I can see my old self, I can feel her, but I know I can never go back. There were signs and symptoms leading up to my day. I had a miscarriage a few week earlier, had started having silent migraines (I’ve had migraines of differing types since I was 11), but that day…that’s the day I could no longer deny something was wrong. I know I was extremely lucky to get to a diagnosis of both of my conditions as quickly as I did, and I owe that largely to my amazing doctors. I had the opposite weight issue, I dropped 25lbs fairly quickly during my first real bad flare. I was so scared I had cancer. I still have a lot of anxiety when it comes to all of this. In fact I start seeing a therapist Monday.

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      1. Yes, looking back, I too had early warning signs. I just never made any connection between them until everything blew up at once. Good idea seeing a therapist. I’ve often thought that would help me as well. If for no other reason, just to have someone to talk to about all this. Right now, I’m using my blog for that. lol

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      2. My blog is a form of therapy as well. I am seeing the therapist because I think talking to an outside source will be beneficial but I think learning some new coping abilities will help as well.This has leveled me. Both of my conditions on their own are scary enough, combined its a bit overwhelming at times. I’ll get through it and I’ll eventually get back to who I know I am. I’m nervous though about Monday. 2 more sleeps, a short wait, and a short drive and I’ll be at my first therapy session for this. That’s all I have to get through. 🙂

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  2. You are very brave. Hang in there and things will get better. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis which gives me chronic pain.

    I got out of bed 20 years ago and my left foot felt like it had exploded. I fell on the ground and couldn’t walk. It was like going to bed okay and waking up a cripple. I had growing aches and pains for about a year before this as it crept up on me. But life is alright now and I have learned to live with it. Be good to yourself and don’t forget to rest. 🙂 Your blog looks great and I will be back to read more.

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    1. Maria, thank you for sharing your story! It’s funny how we can ignore the little signals for so long, and then all of a sudden there’s no denying it any longer. Looking back I’ve shown signs of Lupus for a while. But I could always explain them as other things. Thank you for your words of encouragement, and I’m glad you are at a place in your journey where things are more normal. I look forward to the day where that is the case for me. 🙂

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      1. I think that we ignore pain and other things because we just want to get on with life. Adjusting to a new life is challenging.

        However, my life now is very good and I have learned to manage my arthritis. I am sure you have much to look forward to. You have your blogging now and I must admit I am enjoying my blogging journey immensely! Cheers 🙂

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