Time Changes Everything

Do you know those days when you wake up and there is nothing left, and you are so completely consumed with emptiness that you could drown in your own tears, and there is nothing that could save you? You know, those days where if you don’t change something, and I mean something big, you will suffocate and that will be the end of it. The literal goddamn end of you. I can’t tell you how many of these mornings I had before I finally made the change I needed to make. I can’t even tell you what made me finally do it. What I can tell you is that on the other side of that change things are falling into place. Even though things are tough right now, I’m no longer drowning, I’m not suffocating. The total and complete emptiness that I felt is subsiding.

The hardest thing I have ever faced was going through the end of a relationship prior to ending it. Those gut wrenching emotions of a heartbreak are meant to be felt in private not sitting on the same couch as your spouse. What I recall most vividly is the complete sense of aloneness that I had began feeling shortly after my diagnosis. It echoed louder and louder as the end drew closer. I was so angry by the end of the marriage that all it took was that one last argument and just like that it was over, I had to end it. In the heat of the moment while on a trip to be with family, I chose not to return home in the capacity of the loving wife. The next time I entered our home was to begin the process of moving my belongings to where I was staying. I also packed my cat and her things into my friend’s car and brought her back to my hometown that night.

I stayed a few nights with friends but ultimately I ended up staying with my folks. It is an adjustment and I finally understand the say ‘you can’t ever go back home’. You can return to family, you can return to the location you grew up in, even the house you grew up in, but time’s cruel trick is that it changes everything it touches, the people, the relationships, even the emotions. You can go back, but it will never be what it once was.

I know I made the right decision for both of us, not just myself. Someday, I hope he sees that as well. In the end I couldn’t come home again, time changed everything, both of us, the emotions, the relationship, and there was no way to  go back.

Advertisements

32 Things

birthdaypostpic

Yesterday was my 32nd Birthday. In honor of it I’m going to give you  32 random facts about myself.

  1. My favorite color changes ever so often. I almost always have two at the same time. Currently Purple and Teal.
  2. Autumn and Spring are my two favorite seasons, with Autumn winning the top spot.
  3. I drink way too much coffee these days. Yep, I may have a Keurig addiction folks.
  4. I make some of the best  pork carnitas you’d ever eat, seriously better than most of the restaurants in our area.
  5. I have trust issues that started before I could begin forming memories.
  6. I know more than I say, and often people think I’m not paying attention because I don’t say a lot or engage in a situation that I feel is wiser to stay out of.
  7. Up until this year I was a Pumpkin everything person. Last fall, my taste buds informed me that pumpkin spice is no longer the preferred fall flavor, or maybe its a phase, we will see this coming fall.
  8. People tend to tell me the most random things, especially strangers who approach me at coffee houses.
  9. I seem to have entered the year of reconnecting with people from my past.
  10. I had to take a step back to realize I wasn’t alone.
  11. I have 4 tattoos and plan on getting several more. All with meanings.
  12. I find the calm before storms, and the calm snow provides to be utterly breathtaking experiences.
  13. I grew up in the country, then moved to the city. Now I want to find something in between.
  14. I carry a knife that matches the knife my Pawpaw carries.
  15. In case you didn’t get it from the fact above, I’m a Pawpaw’s girl, even at the age of 32.
  16. I’m a cat person who wanted a pug and ended up with an amazing 100+ lb Alaskan Malamute and our roommate/best friend’s 100ish lb dog as household members. I’m sure we can fit a couple more cats and a pug in here somewhere.
  17. I had a hedgehog until he died a few weeks ago. He was an old man by hedgehog standards. RIP Max.
  18. I grew up camping and fishing. I miss those days.
  19. I tend to binge watch tv shows on Netflix due to both my schedule and my patience level.
  20. I cuss a lot. I use all the bad words. I’ve actually made someone cringe because of this.
  21. I can start a fire like it’s my job. One for warmth, I’m not a Pyromaniac. Though there was that one time I caused a small forest fire with a flaming marshmallow. Oops.
  22. I love intense dark chocolate. The darker the better.
  23. I listen to a lot of Folk/Indie/Americana music.
  24. Growing up I thought one of my friend’s Dad hated me. Turns out it was a case of tough love.
  25. I attended a girl scout camp that was overrun by frogs, big frogs, tiny frogs. Frogs everywhere!!
  26. I met my husband online…before it was a cool thing to do. We’ve been together for 12years, married for almost 6.5 years.
  27. I’m a Certified Reflexologist, which is an alternative medicine modality  I have been around since I was a child.
  28.  I prefer the mountains to the beach.
  29. I am not a morning person, and morning people that can pop awake and have in depth conversations frustrate and confuse me. (My husband is one of those types).
  30. I didn’t start feeling like an actual adult until I hit my 30s. My 20s were more confusing than my teenage years, I refer to them as my second adolescence often.
  31. I’m bisexual, and find it rather hilarious when folks assume since I married a man that I am no longer attracted to the ladies. I usually just stare at them in silence and blink until they change the subject. Awkward!
  32. When I don’t know something about a topic that comes up, I tend to put it on a list of “things to be researched”. I’m a knowledge sponge and love learning. However, this has been known to annoy others around me. People are strange, me included.

Faithless? No, Just Jaded

jaded.jpg
(img credit: http://datatrans.wpengine.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/jaded.jpg)

Some time ago, when I was but a young girl, I lost my faith in God, humanity (most of it anyways), and in this world every surviving.  I learned as a little girl big churches are full of deceit, hypocrites, liars, cheaters, people pretending to be something they are not to save face among neighbors. This was not a religion nor community I wanted to be a part of. I stopped attending church as soon as the decision was mine to make. Before you think I need to be saved in this regard, I am not lost, I am solid in my core believes. I have maintained my own Spiritual concepts since then that I based my faith, and moral code in. These are the things that help shape me into the person I want to be.

Some time not too long ago I lost faith in myself. I was shaken to the core by a couple of medical diagnoses, and that triggered a process in which I felt like I lost myself. Actually more like I felt as though the old me died and I was being forced into being this new version of myself that I didn’t ask to be. I lost faith in my ability to adapt, in my ability to survive, in my ability to live under this new circumstance and expectations. Slowly I have been working through these complications. Someday my faith in myself will be as strong as it was before I got sick.

You see while I may not have the typical faith when it comes to religion, and at the moment my faith in myself is a little shaky, I’m not faithless, just a little jaded.

 

 

Post inspired by WP Daily Prompt: Un/Faithful

Moments In Time From Last Week

I WANT TO SHARE IMAGES I HAVE CAPTURED OVER THE LAST WEEK AND POSTED TO MY INSTAGRAM THAT HIGHLIGHT MOMENTS IN MY LIFE. THERE IS ALSO A SNAZZY WIDGET ON MY SIDEBAR OF MY INSTAGRAM IF YOU ARE VIEWING MY BLOG FROM MY ACTUAL SITE. YOU DON’T GET TO SEE THAT IF YOU ARE VIEWING IT IN READER. SO ONCE A WEEK I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN TO DO A POST AND SHARE A FEW IMAGES THAT I THOUGHT WERE WORTH POINTING OUT FROM MY WEEK. I WILL TRY TO DO THIS EACH SUNDAY. I HOPE YOU ENJOY!

6/1

Afternoon Coffee with my husband at one of the local coffee shops. It was a beautiful afternoon so we sat outside and enjoyed a cool breeze. It made for a nice litte date.

Balloon Flower starting to bud. This is one of my favorite little flowers and I get excited every year when it comes back. I wish I could find more to add to it but so far I only have the one.

6/2

Maleficent! Doug and I went and saw this movie. It was pretty good and an interesting take on the classic tale of Sleeping Beauty. It was of special interest of my because I am a huge fan of Brian Froud and it was amazing to see they had fashioned their fairies, elves, and other creatures after his artwork. It was awesome to see them animated.

New Glass Water Bottle. I had been wanting a new water bottle for a while, and decided a glass one was in order. This one is perfect. I drink a lot of water because of all the medications I am on. If I don’t my blood pressure starts dipping too low, which leads to dizziness and other issues so I have to make sure I stay hydrated at all times. 5 of these guys a day and I’m pretty good. If that sounds like a lot of water.. it’s around 100 ounces. Sometime I drink a little less than that, some days more. I let my body guide me.

New glass water bottle! #stayhydrated #h2o #waterbottles #

A post shared by dotnik (@dotnik) on

6/3

Time spent outside listening to music and writing freelance articles. I have always prefered being outdoors than being indoors. When I am experiencing writers block or issues focusing on writing assignments I have found moving outdoors helps me a lot. I took my laptop, headphones, and spent the afternoon outside. I managed to knock my article out and get it ready for proofreading and submitted it later that evening well before deadline. Success!

My best pet company Zazzle. This cat, she’s something else. She has become such a lap cat. She also likes to play tag, if I can ever get a picture of that, I’ll post it, but she will hide around a corner until she hears you coming and then run out on her hind legs and tag you with her front paws. It is hilarious.

Zazzle keeping me company #cat #cats #catsofinstagram #instacat #pets #petsofinstagram

A post shared by dotnik (@dotnik) on

6/4

Timber spending time on the deck. He has just recently started doing this. Before now he wouldn’t stay outside for long periods of time by himself. He’d go out barely long enough to do his business then he’d run back in as quick as he could. It was rather nice seeing him spend some time outside by himself.

Started reading Feeling Good. This book was recommended to me by my Therapist. It is part of my Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It is supposed to be one of the best books out there on CBT and she is confident that this will aid me in dealing with the emotional struggles I am having when it comes to coping with my illnesses. I’ve read through the introduction and the first chapter and it has my attention. Prior to this book I did not consider myself as depressed but after reading this I can see that some of the cognitions and emotional struggles that I am dealing with are depression. In fact According to the rating system in the book I am moderately depressed. Good thing there wasn’t an anxiety rating system as well, because I would be off the charts on that one! The book says most people who partake in CBT see improvements with their moods within 12 weeks. So that is September(ish)? I can totally do this!

6/5

Rainbow Prism Jenica Gave me. Jenica is a dear friend of mine that has been an amazing support of mine through all of this. She came down for a visit a little while ago and gave me this rainbow prism to hang in my blazer. It casts little rainbows all around my blazer, plus just looks pretty hanging from my mirror. I smile every time I look at it.

Excerpt from Feeling good. This chart shows some positive feedback from CBT therapy. In that study group it was more effective than those treated with antidepressants. I’m on an antidepressant, going to therapy and will be utilizing CBT so I am hopeful that this will make for a positive experience with this method. It is a goal of mine to get off of the antidepressant that I am on or at least start working toward that goal by decreasing my dose by the end of the year. I plan on bringing this up to my PCP in the near future to get his feedback on this thought.

6/6

New scarf to add to my growing collection. I’m slightly addicted to scarves. I have an ever-growing collection and I ran across this beauty this week. It came home with me. It was on sale for $8 and then when I got to the register it rang up for just over $6 due to another discount and rewards points. Even better!

6/7

Blurry Picture but it’s of my scarf on. With the teals and purples in this scarf it goes well with a lot of my wardrobe. I wore it to dinner last night with a teal dress, and today I wore it with a purple tank top and jeans. Perfect with both outfits.

Today I got a massage. It helped a lot with the hip pain I’ve been experiencing this week. I also haven’t felt this relaxed in months. I owe it all to my wonderful massage therapist and best friend Doug!

 

 

I started 100 Days of Happiness on June 1st and am documenting my posts through Instagram and also adding the pictures to my 100 Days page. The 100 Days page has a little lag to it as I can’t always update it everyday.

Angel Baby

Angel Holding Baby Tattoo Design

He was born into the arms of an angel,

His first cries echoing through the stars.

He will take his first steps in the clouds,

but his footprints will be in my heart.

He comes to me in the middle of the moments,

when the tears are not shy and my heart is open wide.

He let’s me know that I will never be alone again,

when the wind whispers and heaven’s tears fall upon my cheeks.

He is my baby even though he is not here,

and I am his mother, I am the mother of an angel.

Rev Up Your Writing with Our Blogging U. Challenge

Rev Up Your Writing with Our Blogging U. Challenge

Another Blogging Challenge? Why yes I think I will! Who will join me?

The WordPress.com Blog

Lots of us start blogs with the intention of writing regularly, but quickly find ourselves struggling to sit down at the keyboard. Cultivating a consistent writing habit isn’t as easy as starting a blog — but we can help!

Writing 101: Building a Blogging Habit is a write-every-day challenge designed to help you create a writing habit, publish posts that mesh with your blog’s focus, and push you a bit as a writer. It’s also a great way to make new friends and find new favorite reads. All bloggers are welcome, whether you use WordPress.com, are self-hosted, or use another platform entirely.

Here’s how it works:

  • We’ll post a new writing assignment just for Writing 101 each weekday in June on The Daily Post. Assignments will publish at 10:00 AM EST (14:00 PM GMT). You can follow The Daily Post to get assignment notifications.
  • There are no weekend assignments — you’re…

View original post 197 more words

Moments In Time From Last Week

I want to share images I have captured over the last week and posted to my Instagram that highlight moments in my life. There is also a snazzy widget on my sidebar of my instagram if you are viewing my blog from the actual site. That gets lost if you are viewing it in reader, so from time to time I thought it would be fun to do a post and share a few images that I thought were worth pointing out from my week. I will try to do this each Sunday. I hope you enjoy!

5/11

My Great-Great Grandpa helped build this bridge. The bridge was built in 1922 as part of the State Work Project.  We went back to my hometown to visit family for Mother’s Day.

This is the dirt road I grew up on. I spent my childhood walking this road, and riding my bike up and down it. We lived down at one end of it and my Great-Grandparents lived at the beginning of it. I would walk up the road every morning to catch the bus. Every afternoon I would get off at their house, my Great Grandpa would have an afternoon snack wrapped in a paper towel for me. It was always a Nutty Buddy Bar and an Oatmeal Pie. This picture was taken halfway up the road facing the main road as we left coming home that afternoon.

5/12

It was pets sit weird day at our house that day. First here’s Misha sitting on the couch:

Then just a few minutes later I walked into the kitchen and found Zazzle sitting on the safety gate we use to keep the dogs out of the back of the house:

Continue reading “Moments In Time From Last Week”