MaybeToday…. Maybe Tomorrow

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It has been a really long time since I wrote in my blog. I know my last blog I broke up with my ex husband. Then everything I moved back to my home town, my mom, grandpa (eventually I will post my PawpPaw passed away 01/31/17 it will be a blog at some point in honor for him) my grandma and families. There was so much love happening. Then something happened there was a love at first sight to me, it was a friend of mine that was started to date me and we were good. We were been to over a year, and he was proposed to me later on. I’m leaving a lot of this stuff off because It has been so long before my time I do apologize. This man was my soulmate, my best friend, he said both of these things for me. my loves. I had both careers.

Then I had an amazing promotion it was awesome. it was around May. I was so proud of myself. it was great.

June 9, 2017 around 6:24pm I was at work. all of a sudden I couldn’t move my right arm. Then I passed out. There was the 1st responder then my emt. My ambulance was to the  hospital. My fiance was right there at the Er. Then my CT scan said no stroke showed.

That Saturday the hospital MRI finally said a stroke and i was carted off to critical care. Finally until Monday evening and I got to go home.

I was also showed with a massive flare with my Lupus, and a lot of doctors, neurologist. I’m crying and sobbing. Scared and afraid I’m about to die. I kept Telling my fiance please don’t leave me. I was so scared.

I was angry, trying to calm down, depressed, anxious with everything.

My Pt and my Speech therapist saw me and eventually started doing great. and was doing awesome. That I could start driving again.

On 7/7 my fiance he needed to take a break, because of a lot that i was saying, needed to talk things I was trying to say, that I didn’t was saying  he was talking, and that I had not tried because before it was stuff that I had already getting hurt about some of the stuff folks picking at me, and arguing with me or saying that they are them, I’m being vague and trying not to be too public, However, I am honest, I am able to speak about my self and my blogs again that it is time to start my blogs, They were also being hurtful than folks were not able for me to do those things for me at this time. It is time for me to do my things again.

That Saturday after taking a break for a few days, all of a sudden I was said due to his sibling, that I was broken up with him, and that he doesn’t love me.

At this time I was devastated, i still am.

I will always love him

I can’t get my stuff. I twill be sometime.

I miss everyone, I miss my babies especially he has the grand-kids.

On Friday 7/24 I had a doctor, that doctor was a dud, they never sent my medications, not my depression, not my anxiety for my pharmacy, nor my sleeping pill. I am out for that depression since  yesterday. As for my sleeping pills I have tried and tried to my ex I needed it, but  there is no one help for it, there is nothing I can do for it. I’m just getting by it.  Eventually I am going to be okay,

Then on that Friday I also wrecked my car and my mom. We were okay, but that car is totaled. Eventually I will have to get another car.

Right now with my work I am on a short term disability hopefully my PT and the speech therapy will tell me this week I can go to work, I am really hoping with a car and now I can go to work.

My mom is my rock, I talk about to her about everything, I cry and sob, I’m go. Sometimes I get really angry about all of the things and I can’t get all of my stuff that the ex is supposed give my stuff.

Sometimes I get really pissed off at the times where they have hurt me, How are you supposed to support for someone like this? when they need they need everything? when you are getting to be married, and you are you are already at the point where you already at the for better and for worse , for thick and thin, He just shut down. He started just get angry at me even before I was doing it, pick at me pick at me, and I didn’t go to the very things I already did before I sent an email to him that I was crying and sobbing to him, and I was praying to god, This is going to be okay, this is going to be work out. That was before I was falling part. I already he was going to leave me, I felt in my heart it was going to happen, Even with what he was hurting how he was saying, and that I was arguing that he was doing as well, I knew he was going to leave. I don’t know if he was scared, I don’t know if he was concerned and just didn’t know what to say with everything. Most of the time I just wanted to be with him, hold his arms while I was falling apart, and kept trying to talk to him, I just knew he was going to leave me.

Then One a couple days after I’ve attempted of trying to say a few times I tried to say if we could try work things out, All he said, it was though hearing someone rolling their eyes, or sighing or just a numbing word, I heard him say  ‘ohhhh I just don’t know right now’ or something like that, that expression for about a second felt my lungs hand knocked me out from my chest. I was numb, Then I realized That I have to Let him go,

To my friends, my family and everyone that I love They have been so supportive. I am so thankful and grateful. Especially for sending my prayers, and for as much I am praying as well.

I know it is going to take some healing, It will take some time with the broken heart, and everything. I’m going to start writing again, I have missed my blog and this is a good thing it always was for years, and definitely now that I need this right now.

Today I was with my of my great friends, we had some breakfasts, and I was able to talk a lot of the stuff I needed to vent.

So today is may not everything good for me with my ups and downs, but, I’m mostly okay today.  Let’s see what tomorrow will be.

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