When the Body Says STOP

This morning I woke up, and as I laid there waking up I felt okay, but not great. It’s rare that I wake up feeling great anymore.  It takes me a few to wake up and a few longer most mornings to get the stiffness out of my joints enough to a point I feel comfortable enough to stand. My hands were a little stiffer this morning that normal. After about 20 minutes of laying there and slowly moving my knees and fingers around to work the stiffness out I decided it was time to motivate. My cat had already made several trips back and forth between the living room where my husband was and the bedroom, to noisily yowl at me. As my feet hit the floor, it felt like I was stepping into quicksand. My whole body felt like I was moving in slow motion.  I took my first round of my morning meds and slowly dressed for the day. I told myself that maybe I’d feel better after breakfast.

I greeted Mellow a few minutes later and then Doug got up and we all went out for breakfast. I took my Plaquenil and Imuran at breakfast, since they both need to be taken with food and groggily ate my food. I just couldn’t shake the walking through quicksand and groggy feeling. As the day wore on the feelings lingered. I was frustrated. Some days are like this. They come out of the blue. The days you need to be able to bring your A-game and all of a sudden your body throws up a big stop sign in your projected path.

That was my day. I had several errands and chores I had wanted to get done today. The guys were going to be around and I figured with them focusing on the outside it would be a great day for me to focus on catching up on the inside of the house. Plus we had some errands around town to run. We got a few errands ran. I’m sad to say I managed only load of laundry today and the rest of my list was put off to be done another day. I’ve learned I can no longer push it when I feel like this. If I do I’ll end up in a flare. I’m just hoping by taking down time today I’ve headed off what might be the start of another flare, I just got out of one.

Honestly the last time I felt this low of energy, my INR was sub-therapeutic and I had a transient clotting event. I’d be lying if I said that doesn’t have me nervous. I have an appointment Monday morning with Dr. C to get my INR checked and if I’m not feeling better I’ll mention how I feel to him then regardless of what my INR is.

I don’t know that I will ever be okay with not being able to choose my down days. I’m not use to having to sit out because my body literally just can’t. I do not know how to be this sick person Lupus and Antiphospholipid Syndrome requires me to be. I am not sure how to be that person, I am not sure if I ever will be and if there’s a class on how to be a sick person I sure as hell missed it! As I type this I hear the voice of AL “Loss of control”, yep here it is again. This is a great representation of it, and how it comes up in actual context in my life.

I’ll have a plan, I’ll set out to do said plan, and before I can even get started my body will deceive me and render me incapable of doing said things. Yes, part of today was choice of not pushing past the fatigue, of actually listening to my body for once and not pushing too hard. I’m learning, I don’t like it though. I do not like these lessons I’m having to learn. I guess one of  good things that is coming from all of this though is more self-awareness. We can all stand to be more aware of ourselves and our bodies and what they are trying to tell us. I just have to learn to accept this and learn to stop without being so frustrated about having to do so.

(image from: http://camphalfblood.wikia.com/wiki/File:Happy-oh-stop-it-you-l.png)