Expectations come in all shapes and sizes. They can encompass many things. My greatest expectation was that I would lead a happy, healthy life. That my well-being was solid. Through-out my 20s these things were easy. I fell in love and moved to the city I now call home. I. Like most 20-something year olds expected my health to hold out and that my well-being would be great. Life was good, and happy. In my late 20s I convinced my husband we should have a baby. He is older than I, and has two adopted children from a previous marriage that are grown. I wanted a child of my own. I had no reason to suspect this would be an issue so we began trying for a child in the fall of 2012. In 5 short months I fell pregnant and then 10 short weeks later, miscarried. That is when my greatest expectations began to shatter. I sit here at 30 wondering what the next decade holds, I was certain I was going to rock my 30s. That they would be awesome. So far, they are off to an awkward start, I feel like I’m an awkward teenager again. I am not comfortable in my own skin, I miss feeling at home here.
So what happens when your body deceives you? What do you do when the things you thought you could trust are no longer true? Your immune system is supposed to be there to protect you. What do you do when it launches an all out war on you?
I catch myself thinking sometimes I should’ve seen this coming. The signs have been there. I knew my family history. I knew Lupus was lurking, waiting. Was this denial that it was in my genes some odd form of rebellion against my father? Alas, it’s on both sides of my family. So denying that it exists in one set of my genes does not save me completely.
I have to recalculate my expectations now. I don’t get to have the health I thought I would have for the rest of my life. Or at least not on the same scale that I was on before. I hope that my Lupus (that still seems so weird to say) is a case that can be well controlled by the treatments my doctors have begun. I hope that this isn’t too hard on my family. I hate having to watch them go through this.
I’ll find happiness again. I’ve always succeeded at finding happiness. I just have to sift through the hard time long enough and eventually I will make it to happier times again. Plus I have an amazing amount of support in my life that won’t let me stay down for too long.
So that’s what I’m doing. I’m at the crossroads, I’m 30, and I’m re-calculating my expectations.