The things that happen in a year

This time last year … I was pregnant It had just happened, we had just found out a few days ago.  Amazing things were happening in my body. Other things were happening in my body too, scary terrifying things and I wasn’t aware of them, yet.
A few days later, a year ago a few of my closest friends were told. I hadn’t told my family yet so I swore them  to secrecy. I remember us all being so happy. It was a start of an adventure. I was on a journey, I was sure I knew the destination. There was magic happening in my body! There was also a war beginning in my body, on two fronts, but I had no idea.

Then  in a few short weeks Mother’s Day a year ago, and I was in Wilkes telling my mom she was going to be a grandma. She was so happy. Then I made the announcement to the rest of our friends and family. We were all on a journey at that point. It was magic….science and magic all combined and it was thrilling.

A few more days after that and the unthinkable began to happen a year ago  I miscarried. Time moves forward way too quick sometimes. Before I know it a year will be here since my first Antiphospholipid Syndrome and Lupus related events happened I think about that and I start to panic and I can’t breathe. Some call it lack of ability to cope, some call it panic attack, some will say PTSD, some say adjustment disorder. All I know is I hate this feeling and I hate what it has done to me, and I’m ready for it to be over, I’m ready for the enduring part of this to be over, and I’m ready for life to be easy again.

They struck quick and without me knowing they were even lurking in my body. When they did they caused me to miscarry at 10 weeks. I did not know at the time that they were  at play. In fact I wouldn’t know until several months later that I had APS or that it was what had robbed me of a chance to be a mother, and it would be a few more months after that before I was diagnosed with Lupus. If we get down to the science of the two conditions, it was probably more so Antiphospholipid syndrome that caused the miscarriage than it was Lupus.

I think about it a lot, in between the frequent doctor appointments, the fears of my two chronic illnesses, and such there is still the pain of the loss of our baby that I haven’t fully dealt with. So much happened so quickly that I never really got a chance to process the loss….

but…

Some broken hearts do not heal, and perhaps that is the way it is meant to be, because maybe that is the only way we know those moments were real.

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